letter from a single mother

I decided to move to danville. it's whats best for me and it's whats best for my family. I can no longer continue to struggle as a single mother and take all the heat when things do not go right. so please, do not get mad that I'm moving 30 min away. and do not get mad that I'm taking ' your' kid away. our decision to have this kid has cost me more than u. when I decided to become a parent, I didn't decide to do it on my own. but I guess in a sense I did because I made that decision without a ring on my finger. honestly speaking, marriage doesn't guarantee a good father either these days.

my dream is to be a head honcho in a medical facility. that's what I wanna do, and I will. I can almost guarantee you it won't be at carle or provena. so what's going to happen when I make that big move out of this midwest world? I guess you're going to have to figure it out and make some accomodations. I refuse to be stuck in this deadness of a town just so you can spend time with your child every few days, or whenever is convenient for you. I think they deserve better, dont you?

I think they deserve to see success. I think they deserve  to see a strong black woman make it to the top. I also think they deserve to see her go above and beyond to make sure they have the best and do not want for nothing. staying here just so that people can look at you and think you're the perfect parent because they see you with your child, hinders me and what I'm trying to become.

and when they see you with your child and they say, aww he/she's so cute, you're such a good father. taking them to the park, chuckie cheese, the museum. do u stop them and say, thank you, but I haven't seen them in about a month and I haven't paid child support in almost a year. or, I haven't been to any of their school functions nor can I even name one of their non-relative friends. lol. I doubt it. you'll simply say yes, then go about with a smile on your face as a proud parent.

and how dare you ask me, why everytime I get him/her they have on the same thing as last time? simple, when you only see them once every few weeks, that outfit comes back up in the lineup of clothes that you hardly contribute to. or, why their hair not done? simple, we wasn't expecting to see you today and today is my 'don't do hair today' day. we have that a couple times a week. and please do not get mad that I send dirty clothes. when i sent clean clothes you sent them back dirty. you have a washer and dryer just like I do. oh i didn't pull ups in there. that's because when i send them you don't never send any back to replenish my stock.

so once again, I decided to move to danville. where I will be relieved of some of my financial stress. that way, when I do decide to bring your kid back to visit (because I know you not about to drive to danville cuz you don't drive to rantoul now) I will be able to pack a bag full of cute, clean clothes and pullups for you two to have a wonderful weekend together. and will have extra clothes at home just in case you choose to keep some, which you usually do until they pile up then send them all at once, dirty.

sincerley, your bm

haha. i hate saying that. lol

moving stress

so I'm starting to get really frustrated about this whole move. don't get me wrong, I'm thankful every day to have a job. I just don't enjoy change as much as some around me. not to mention, according to my daughter's counselor, her having moved 5 times already in her 5yrs of life, may b the reason for some of her confusions. but this time it's better cuz it's my jobs fault. lol.

so, I've learned, now that she's in school, there are a few things to consider when moving with kids. the school district is important, even for kindergarten. urbana, u really dont have a choice cuz it's based on where u live. yesterday I learned that champaign has a sort of lottery system that i'll have to get a lil more info on. her current teacher told me she would benefit from a 'very structured' kindergarten class but was unable to tell me which school in the urbana district offered that. not like it matters. unfortunately my budget will decide where we will live. good thing I have an I.D with my moms address on it just in case.

and is that wrong? is it wrong to lie about where u live in order to have your child go to the school of your choice? I currently live in rantoul and my child goes to an urbana school. not afraid to broadcast that because school is almost over and we're moving back anyway. but I couldn't put her in rantoul school since I work in champaign. pre-school is only a few hours long and I can't afford the childcare in rantoul. plus it's not like we're in a big city where parents are fighting to get their kids into certain schools.... at least, I don't think that happens here.

and then i get denied due to stupid reasons. well, i think they are stupid reasons. lol. i mean seriously, what does my credit history have to do with me paying my rent? just because i have a cable bill in collections does not mean i will not be a good tenant. that just means that i may have sacrificed having that luxury in order to make sure i was able to pay my rent. lol. i've never been evicted. i've been with the same landlord for 3 years. yes, i've lived in 3 different units, but, every move was for a good reason. do i expect them to give me a GREAT reference? no, i honestly dont. but i do expect them to be honest. and i expect the person i'm trying to rent from to take into consideration that although i may not pay on time, i pay. as a single mother that does not qualify for financial assistance for ANYTHING, i still pay. i have been at my job for almost 4 years and have a strong work history that dates back to age 15. i dont feel like i have to lie about who my landlord is, and my hardships just to be accepted on a damn rental application.

so there is my vent for the day and the reason as to why i put on my facebook status, that i'll start lying just to get what i need. telling the truth just isn't getting me anywhere with this move.

thanks for listening and once again, no pity. just a vent. i still am very optimistic that something will pop up. i now feel better and hope everyone has a wonderful weekend :)

single and dating

dating as a single parent sucks. I can not give advice on this nor can I sugarcoat anything. my daughter's father says that eventually he'll b single and just let his kids choose a mate for him. seeing as how his oldest is 5, he'll be single for awhile before kaiya is able to make that kind of decision. when it comes to dating I have found that true dating does not exist. I say this mainly because it takes too much energy. u have to actually find someone that truly wants to be out and about. and by the time I get my kids situated and to two different sitters, cuz they usually have to b seperated, I'm  exhausted. on the occasions that my bro will stay and watch them I normally have to wait until they go to sleep because my daughter has seperation anxiety and thinks i'll never come back. note, I have never not came back nor has anything traumatic happened to her to make her think this. another blog. so by the time I make it to my 'date' it's after 10 and that's not really a date now is it. not to mention I have just recently learned that my red dreads r ghetto therefore the people that I attract.... I'm sure u get where im going with that. so still trying to decide on what imma do about that.

but anyhoo, that show 'sister wives'. I believe that's what it's called. the one where the guy lives in the house with 5 or six 'wives'. i've never personally seen it. but i've had a person or two bring it up. what I've learned is men have been warped to think this is ok. (or maybe just the ones I've met) think about it. a man has all these multiple women in one area that he gets to have access to on a daily basis. one pisses him off, he goes down the hall. one won't do something, he goes to the next room. but the kicker is, they only mess with him. hmm. so what man honestly wouldn't want this. I mean seriously. how many times do we women say, well if I could take bobs body, tims face, kevins personality, tonys sensitivity, robs love for his mother, ricos sex appeal and put them all together.... totally random names by the way. how about a show called brother husbands. how well would that work out. not well at all i'd imagine. because no man is going to go for that. but it would b interesting. all I can say is those kids are ruined. and that's just my opinion. if there were no kids involved, and no real marriages involved and everyone was just having good ole safe fun, go for it. but these people are dead serious.

in my dating world I've come across a few. I've had two guys try to date me to get back at my sons father. apparently being juan's baby momma is not the best thing at times. i'm the target of petty payback. so i've learned to not date anyone who starts conversation with "aren't u juan's baby momma". I've tried rekindling a couple relationships from my past and learned there is a reason they ended in the first place. and now for some reason, i'm the target of married men. let me explain one thing, i'm stingy. at times i'm a little jealous. and i've shared a man before. this is not something i'd put myself thru again. my mother did not get married until she was 45. I take marriage seriously. and if a marriage is ending then it needs to end. I do not want to be the reason.

not to mention I fall fast and hard. they say you should not introduce anyone to your kids until you're sure. well hell, i've been sure a few times. so I'm obviously not a good judge. I like steve harvey's theory. he says you shouldn't wait. that u have to see how your kids will react around a person and vice versa. nothing like dating a man for 6 months that you're madly in love with, you bring the kids around and he can't stand lil kaiya. or he can't stand the sight of lil juan cuz he look too much like big juan. or the kids dont want to act right at all when he's around. downfall to this, when i'm with the guy i'm seeing now, kaiya thinks it's funny to bring up stuff that we did with howard. or she'll ask how come james dont come over no more. or remember when..... yea I believe she does it on purpose. bottom line, there really is no good time when you're kids are young and  then when they get older they'll hate everyone you bring around that's not daddy anyway.

i also read too much. steve harvey, zane, e lynn harris, omar tyree among a few, and i have this idea in my head of what falling in love is suppose to be like. unfortunately, it's very incorrect. the books i read make is seem so easy when it's really one of the most complicated things you may do as an adult. and like i've mentioned before, it takes a lot of energy i just do not have. i find myself trying to rush things.....for what?? around me all i hear are negative stories, which i know it's not always like that. and even though i hear a lot of the negativities, it still does not discourage me when it comes to finding love, maintaining love and growing old with someone. to me, i'd rather find someone i can have good and bad times with. someone i can fulfill my lonliness with even if i cant stand to be around them sometimes. at least i know someone is there. just someone to share the load with.

then i read about people who are 'married for convenience'. raising the kids. maintaining the house and bills. maybe occasional loving. but for the most part, they do their own thang and are completely happy. bills are paid. a companion to sit and talk to and go through stuff with. and the kids get to grow up in a two parent nurturing home. not really sure how i feel about this one. but i'm convinced that a lot of celebrity marriages are like this. lol.

so all in all, dating as a single parent sucks. you will never really know what is right when it comes to your kids. you're trying to spare them the heartache while also trying to protect yourself from another heartache. you don't want them around just anyone, but in the beginning everything is so good and fun, you want them involved. you don't want to introduce them too soon but then if you wait, you'll fall in love with someone who gives your child the creeps everytime they come around. i haven't figured this out yet, and i probably never will. realistically tho, none of this matters right now because i co-sleep and my mom says as long as i do this, i'll never find a man. lol. co-sleeping is definitely another blog.

i hate moving

so I thought i'd try this blog thing after reading a few friend's. the only difference is, I'm not happily married, juggling work and family and constant traveling. i'm a  mother of two battling work, finances, dating and motherhood. im the mother of a very energetic 5yr old girl, and a 2 yr old very independent boy. before you continue, please note that I am in no way looking for sympathy or negativity. this is just a different perspective. my struggles will shape me and help me grow, making me a better person. but I love to write and constantly have stuff on my mind,,,, so here goes.

I hate moving. you wouldn't think so tho because my 5 yr old has lived in 6 different apartments in her life. but we have to. so every day I have moving on my mind.

my job is closing. well let me rephrase that. the office I have worked out of for almost 4 years, is closing. if I want to keep working for them I have to either work from home, or drive to danville  every day. I already can barely afford gas, so driving to danville is out the question. living there is a last resort. so I have to move back in town. I currently live in rantoul because rent is cheaper. so now I'm battling trying to find a 3 bedroom for under 600. yea, not likely. even a 2 bedroom with a w/d hookup would b nice. but that's been hard too.

let me explain one thing. I am not looking forward to working from home. alot of folks are. but I go to work to get out of my house. work is the only adult interaction I have. sitting in a room talking on the phone for 8hrs is not something that excites me. altho I get to do it in my pjs, still not exciting. and if I'm forced to down size to a 2 bdrm that means sitting in my room for 8 hours a day because our equipment has to be in a locked room. did I mention I now have to get cable/internet which I dont have now because it's not in my oh so tight budget. but I have to justify it by saying, that bill is cheaper then driving to danville every day.

and some say ' just put the kids in daycare in rantoul'. let me explain that one. I pay 600 a month in daycare when it really should b 1000. I am currently 1200 behind. I have been with my daycare lady since kaiya was almost 2. she is all ramir knows. no other daycare is going to let me b behind like that, and still watch my kids. plus, I dont trust anyone else to handle my special needs daughter, that's a different blog. so me moving back is so I dont have to drive back and forth to urbana every day.

yea, I pay 600 a month in daycare. I use to get child support but it is stopped at the moment. another blog. for some reason I make too much money for child care assistance. which is funny to me because I dont know anyone that can really afford to pay someone more then they pay in rent, to watch their kids. but I applied before and they denied me saying my child support was putting me over. seriously it was less then 50 bucks over. not to mention, they go off of gross. they dont consider that taxes kick my behind, I do provide insurance for my family, oh and at that time carle clinic was garnishing me  $197 every check from an unpaid medical bill. my bring home pay at the time was a lil over $700. rent and daycare alone took care of that.

and so we're back to the beginning. looking for a place to stay. urbana, or champaign. 2bdrm or 3. work from home or drive to danville. I still have a lil time to get it together right.... or I could solve all this by downsizing my job and just getting on public assistance until I go back to school, finish my degree and pray for either a good job or an athlete husband to relieve me from all this stress. and yet again, another blog.